2009 in Melodramatic, Teenage-Angst Ridden, Catharsic Review -or- Why This/These Year(s) Sucked

Okay, so I never update this thing to begin with, but for this, the smaller the audience, the better.


'09, largely, you sucked. There were only a few moderately good little events thrown in there. Let's give a rundown of the negatives:

1. I asked this one girl (with whom I was good friends) out, and she didn't speak to me for about two and a half months. Granted, this was probably equally my fault, but still. It really just got to me largely because of two things: 1) My pathetic self-esteem coupled with my OCD causing me to think her rejecting me made me worthless, and 2) The fact that I lost her friendship for a while, or so it seemed. And that last one really got to me because I had lost one of my best friends because of something I did, something so... trivial. But that's largely gotten better, so I'll shut up.

2. My ex. Enough said.

3. This summer. This was the first summer in which I felt completely helpless. I had formed really strong friendships over the last school year, and I wasn't able to see any of them over summer, and that really bothered me. Bothered me too much, arguably. I'll let you infer from that what you will.

4. The one-year anniversary of my Grandfather's passing, and the fact that we rented his house out. Don't get me wrong, I adored the family that rented it, but it just struck me that it isn't his house anymore. It was ours, and then it was someone elses. Now it's someone else's again (and they aren't hiring me to do lawn service, which makes me sad). The hours and tears that all of us put into that house can never be understood by anyone who wasn't there.

5. This school year, in which I've really dropped the ball on just about all of my responsibilities. It makes me feel really crappy that I've become like this, but I can't seem to work up the will to change at this stage of the game. This leads into my next discussion on insecurity, the fact that all I seem to think nowadays is that I'm pissing off all of my friends and that none of them care about me anymore because I've been a jackass. I'm fairly certain that's not the case, but still.

6. New potential girlfriend, who is being exceedingly manipulative and may or may not be making up another fictitious boy purely for the effect of making me more interested in her. Or she's being very rude by talking about this "asshole" (her words, not mine) to my face all the time. It's just really annoying, and I can't ask her anything about it, because I know nothing about her, so I can't start a relationship now. Also, I'm terrified of starting another relationship after the way the last one went.



And that's about it. For this year. Now, let's talk about the positives:

1. I got a new guitar, which I promply named Gary and gave a seat of much distinction in my room.

2. I got a new amp, nicknamed "The Titan" due to it's size and incredible capacity for sound generation (it's 120 watts. Loud.).

3. I joined a band, which, despite some early setbacks and friction, has turned out to be one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.

4. I got contacts. Which means I look like far less of a nerd. I also updated my wardrobe to include sunglasses, a leather vest, blue jeans, dog tags, a leather fedora, and these wierd batter's gloves I bought at Dunham's before they went broke.

5. I got to see Bon Jovi, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Kid Rock, Gaelic Storm, and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra live this year.

6. I learned a lot about music theory.


Well, that's about all I can think of for positives. Now, a personal discussion of how my life has changed this decade.

Well, let's skip everything up to 2007, because frankly, I don't even care what went on before that. So. '07. That was the year it all started happening. I lost a lot of weight, got in shape, started guitar lessons, and started school. I also realized that I'm a very smart, very well-adjusted person. For the most part. It's that "starting school" thing that's the kicker. It's been a double-edged sword, but we'll get to that. 2008. HELL YEAR. My Grandpa died, the first death to really affect me. It made me want to die, frankly. It made me so sad, so down on myself that it was just overwhelming. But I got through, and I became the person I am today because of everything I went through. And then, we move to 2009, which we already discussed. I got pulled into a lot of drama this year, drama that I shouldn't have been a part of and that shoulnd't have even existed (those involved, you know who you are, and you know what you did). But above all, I can say that I've grown. I've become an adult through this. I am who I am because of what happened to me, and all of this shit has served an important purpose: to deepen my faith. I'm getting confirmed this year, and I think that it's good that I'm at the point I am now, and I can thank everything that's happened to me already.


Well, that's about all I can say and not regret it forever. I was gonna put this on Facebook, but no I don't think that's a good idea. And this is very tame, mind you. I could name names, discuss situations, but even I'm not that big of a moron to do that. Bear in mind, this isn't a cry for help. It's a hope of understanding, like I've known other people to do. This is the only way I can talk about this stuff, because any attempt at face-to-face or otherwise real-time communication quickly begins to resembe a half-assed try to elicit sympathy, and people just pull away or roll there eyes. I just want to end this with that disclaimer: I don't want sympathy or help, not directly. I want understanding, and if you understand what I'm experiencing, then yeah, you'll be sympathetic. And then, if you are, it'll be genuine, not forced or requested. And if you're not, screw you and your little dog, too.

Good thing only four people are ever going to read this.






Happy New Year!


Editor's note: This is NOT an attempt to replicate any similar posts made by anyone to whom I may be related. This is simply a carthartic excersise inspired by the afformentioned post. I just wanted to clear that up.